It's hard to believe that I haven't posted anything since October of 2014. At that time I was training for my first powerlifting competition. I had 3 of them in 2015. I trained hard and ate clean and had good, strong results. But things changed starting in August 2015. I grew tired for no real reason, I was sure even when I wasn't training. And the weight of my lifts were not really increasing. The worst part was the soreness was not in my muscles, but my joints. The pain wouldn't let up, especially in my hands. I had tried all I knew to do, except go to the doctor. I finally did that on December 31 because I was determined to start 2016 feeling better. Little did I know that I would get the diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis. 9 days of big dose prednisone helped the pain in my joints, but the fatigue is still a problem. Now I have to shift my balance of life to include the changes in my body because of RA. I'm finding myself fighting beyween what I had and what I have now. I want to workout with the same intensity that I did a year ago, but my body's strength and comfort have changed dramatically in the last 6 months. On February 2nd I go to my first appointment with my rheumatologist. I want to attack my RA with the same intensity that I did my weightlifting. I will fight to stop the degeneration of my joints. I will fight to get back the energy to do the things I want to do each day.
As I get adjust to a new life balance a couple of thoughts keep interfering.
1. It's not fair. Nothing I did or didn't do caused this autoimmune disease to find me. All of the healthy changes I have done on the past 7 years did not prevent me from getting this disease that has no cure. I didn't ask for this. And I don't want it.
2. It's lonely to have a chronic disease that I can see and feel the visible changes in my body. Friends and family can't see these changes easily and they cannot feel the constant pain I have. They are helping me if I ask, but I don't want to have to need their help. These are the feelings that cause the loneliness inside of me. This is a fight with my body that I will have to fight myself. I will be the one to take the medications. I will be the one who has to change my life to create a new balance. I will be the one who has to find new things to do to take the place of things I cannot do easily anymore. That makes me feel very lonely on my RA fight. I know I'm not alone, but I do feel lonely as I think of my futur with RA.
I pick a word every year to practice. The word for 2016 (picked before I got my diagnosis) is BREATHE. When these new and uncomfortable feelings surface I have forced myself to repeat that word and practice it with a few good deep breaths. Then I say a prayer to help me accept this new change in my life with the STRENGTH (my 2015 word) He has given me.
