Search for my inner beast continues

"Attack the weights" he says. "Be aggressive" he says. "Be a beast." It sounds easier than it is. I see some people at the gym have the confidence to do it. I am trying, but it feels fake. Then I start to think about it too much and I feel like a failure. Can you fail at being a beast? If you can, I'm doing it. I hate failing because that means I am too weak to accomplish my goal. Then I start the negative talk that I have worked so hard to silence. What if I am just a big fake in the gym? What if I am not as strong as I think I am? Maybe I am getting to "sure" of myself and this is my "payback" -- falling face first and making a fool of myself.

I so desperately want to find a place where I can just fit in. Where I'm not the awkward person who is relegated to the sidelines. I want the gym to be that place, but I still feel like I am not doing it quite right. Whatever it is. I know that there will always be many stronger than me, faster than me, and better than me. No matter what I tell myself, I still find me comparing my performance to others around me. Mentally, I know that I am stronger than I was 6 months ago, but I am not as strong as I want to be. I know that it is a process, but what if I don't get any stronger. What if I can't move forward with my goals. What if I fail by not being able to be aggressive?

What's even worse would be disappointing my trainer. He has been my greatest support and guide through this new process. I don't have very many people who understand what I do at the gym and why I do it so I don't want to lose his approval and support. There is a part of me that thinks he sees something in me that I can't see and he wants to help me find that aggressive, confident person inside of me. Is there more to me than I can see?

He knows my history of being knocked down by life more than once. I have gotten back up and not stopped living, but it wasn't easy and I needed help from him to understand and know how to get past some problems so that I could have a happier life. I have not stood up for myself in a confrontation and come out unscathed and strong. In the past, I have shrunk away from direct confrontation, given in, and quietly regrouped. I find that I usually blame myself for not being strong enough to stand up for myself. I guess that is what I'm doing now. Regrouping and trying to figure out how to attack the weights instead of attacking myself when I am at a point that I need more energy or "oomph" to lift that bar. Instead of getting mad at the weight, I get mad at myself for not being able to do it. It brings up bad memories of blaming myself. Falling into a spiral of making everything into a catastrophe that is all my fault. Then, true to my past experiences, I shrink away and hide. That is a part of my life that I have packed away because it was so hurtful and destructive to me. I deserve to treat myself better.

So what do I do now? I don't want to fail at the gym. And I don't mean not being able to lift the weight. I mean what if I am not the strong, powerful woman who I want to be, who I imagine I am. What if I'm still the "ugly" duckling like I have been in so many aspects of my life. I want so bad to succeed at this. I need to be strong. I need to find some place where I belong. I need to be that confident, aggressive lifter. Please, Lord, help me find that person within me. Please don't let me find out that all of this is not real and that I am just a fake. I need this to be real. I need to be real. I need to find out that I can discover and use the powerful, raw energy to be a stronger version of me. I want to feel proud of who I am turning out to be. Failing just can't be an option for me. I like what I'm doing too much to give it up. I need to meet and learn from the stronger version of me.

Where's my inner beast?

I go into the gym and get my job done. I enjoy getting stronger and seeing the difference my work has made in my body. I also watch others attack their workout with an intensity that I have not found yet. That doesn't mean that I don't give it my all, I do with every workout. I just do it in a quiet, controlled fashion. Could I ever "unleash the beast" and just attack it? Do I have a beast to unleash? Do I have that aggressive side in me? Can I grunt and groan and make it happen in the gym? Can I find that raw energy that drives athletes to the next level? It is difficult to imagine me with those feelings and power that I can use in a positive and powerful way. Maybe I do and I just haven't found it yet. I imagine it hiding within me, just waiting to be discovered.

I have an aggressive voice in me, but I don't think it is the "beast" that will help me in my workout. It has been the voice that has worked against me and degraded me in the past. It is the voice that has criticized me and pointed out my failures before others could. That is not a voice that will help progress me in my workouts. It is the voice that I have turned off so that I could be good to myself and learn to love myself. It was replaced with a kinder, encouraging voice. That voice has helped me be brave enough to try new things, including the gym and lifting.  "Beast" mode is a new way to think of my inner voice and power, using it to attack my workout instead of attacking myself.

"Beast" mode to me is like living on the wild side. I have never felt like I can just "let loose" and see what happens in any part of my life.  That is living too much on the edge. I have lived my life staying in the safe zone. For the past two years I have worked hard to set new goals that I work towards. Each time I clear a hurdle and reach a new level that I didn't think possible I find something new to master. So I am on the hunt for my "inner beast" and work with it to make me more powerful, inside and out.
Who knows.... I could be that person tearing it up in the gym, lifting heavy weights and not caring who hears me succeed! I'm on the hunt for my beast mode. Ready or not here I come!!!!